How to cope with exam nerves

...be consistently reassuring and firm – this time of stress will pass, and your teenager needs to be reminded of this and given courage

Firstly, don’t allow yourself to panic. Your child will be stressed enough without picking up your anxiety, and no matter how important you know these exams to be, it will help no-one if you succumb to worry and angst. If you are calm and reassuring, you can help your teenager to be calm. Stress leads to nerves, and the more stress you can avoid adding to your teenager’s life, the better. Try to put the exams in context for yourself – they are important, of course, but ultimately they are not a matter of life or death. This is easier said than done, but you really do need to ‘chill out’ if you are to help give your child all the support he or she needs at this time.

The approach you need to take is to be consistently reassuring and firm – this time of stress will pass, and your teenager needs to be reminded of this and given courage that he or she will see it through. Be there for your child, reassuring and guiding. Beware of false encouragement, however – telling your child that ‘it will be fine’ can sometimes add to stress and nerves, as it increases the pressure of expectations of success. Far better to talk more along more pragmatic lines: ‘hard work pays off, and you are perfectly capable of putting the hard work in; go for it!’

There is a fine line to be found between showing that you care and interfering, and you can be almost certain that whatever you do in this respect, your teenager will react with some irritation. Don’t be put off by this: remember that he or she has to find some outlet for the melee of emotions inside, and you are actually providing a useful service simply by being a receptacle for this. Try to react with understanding and empathy; back off when you feel it is right, but make sure that you are always there in the background, ready to encourage and help when needed.

Don’t be too laid back – advice like ‘you need a break’ or ‘you are working too hard’ can be very wearing for a teenager who has a revision plan and is trying to stick to it. Sometimes when we mean to encourage, we actually end up criticising, and it is important to avoid this if we can. Equally, do keep an eye on how your child is faring, and don’t be afraid to give your opinion if you see his/her health deteriorating through lack of sleep, food or exercise – all essential aspects of good exam preparation. Try your hardest to avoid micro-managing your child, though: if he or she is experiencing exam nerves and panic, then the last thing he or she needs is to feel completely disempowered as you try to take over, especially as, at the end of the day, you simply can’t do the learning and practice for the exams yourself – only your child can do this, and you need to leave it up to him or her.  

What you can do, though, on a practical level, is to provide for your child’s every need. You probably feel that you have been doing this anyway for the past 16 or 18 years, but now is a time really to focus on making sure that your teenager does not need to worry about when and what to eat, or how he or she is going to do the household chores. If at all possible, get him or her to take a break from any paid job or voluntary work from at least Easter onwards. This may not always be easy, but this is a time in teenagers’ lives when they really do need to breathe and sleep their exam subjects if they are to give themselves the best life chances for the future, so any external work really needs to take second place. If your son or daughter has major commitments outside school, then these will only add to his or her stress at this time, and again, you need to do everything you can to reduce this if you want to avoid exam nerves.

This period of the year is never easy, but it will soon be over. In the meantime, good luck!