Dear agony aunt: why won't the school help us?

"I lost my job in 2008 and our family has been in financial distress since then. My daughters' schools have been immensely supportive, offering 85 per cent and 65 per cent bursaries (they are aged 7 and 16). However, my son's school has been lacking in any compassion at all.

We have twice been turned down for a bursary on the grounds that we have some equity remaining in our house. It appears not to matter that we cannot increase our mortgage borrowing because I am not working, nor that our current level of debt is at least as high as the amount of equity that would be released by any sale of our home.

We are faced with my son having to leave his school at the end of this school year as we have exhausted all possible avenues of borrowing to cover his fees to date. He is immensely upset by this as he is desperate to stay at a school that he loves."

How can schools behave so differently?

Anonymous

I really feel for you. This is an incredibly difficult situation to be in, and it is, I am sure, extremely hard for you to maintain a reassuring composure. I'm sure that one of your prime concerns will be to find ways to tell him that regardless of which school he goes to, he is still a wonderful person and you love him deeply. Focus on this - he needs you to keep reaffirming him.

There are a few practical avenues you can explore that might be worth pursuing. Your daughters' schools have responded to your needs, which is tremendous, and you now know where you stand financially and how much exactly you can afford to pay for your son's fees.

Do a really ruthless financial audit (even if you have already done this, it might be worth revisiting). Is there anything else that you could possibly get rid of, or any financial outgoings that you could possibly reduce, in order to increase available funds?

Can family help?

Think about this on a temporary basis. What you are looking for, after all, is only temporary relief until you are able to find employment again. Might there be some other routes which open up for additional funding - might any of your wider family consider supporting your son for a time, even if this is only on the basis of a loan? If you are able to secure some kind of backing, this will make the school feel more secure.

Schools are in a tricky position when parents have difficulty paying the fees. While most schools will have a contingency bursary fund, they also need to have a steady income in order to survive, and for the sake of the majority of pupils they have to find a way to balance this with support for pupils in need. The part of the equation about your son's school which we don't know is how many other pupils they have agreed to support through difficulty, as this will have had a major impact on the school's ability to support other deserving cases like your son's.

Schools will often have to prioritise cases, and then focus on pupils who are coming to the end of their schooling, partly because of the impact to external exams, and because the commitment is for a shorter time span. Some schools, though, simply have more funds available, possibly from endowments or through central trusts, than others.

Recognising this does not necessarily help you, although if you can show some understanding of the school's situation, you may encounter a more receptive audience. Armed with your financial audit, an assessment of likely employment prospects and a really clear awareness of how much you can actually afford to pay each month towards fees, approach your son's school one more time. It is good to do this by letter, followed up with a face-to-face interview with both the bursar and the finance governor or chair of governors.

Restructure the fees

Make it clear that you are actually exploring a restructuring of fees over a longer period of time - potentially, several years. With one of your daughters being aged 16, there will come a time when you no longer need to pay fees for her. Figure this into your accounting and explain when you would be able to increase your payments. Generally, schools are more able to accommodate a restructuring rather than a bursary or permanent reduction, particularly if you are able to give them some confidence in your ability to find work again within a certain time span.

This recession will pass and jobs will become more readily available. In the meantime, if the governors are aware of how well you are positioning yourself to be able to take up these opportunities when they arise, they may be more prepared to take the risk in offering you a payment plan. Believe in yourself in this respect, and they are far more likely to be convinced.

All this is a gamble, I know, and I wish that I could offer more. It is, however, worth pursuing this avenue if only to know that you have done everything possible. If this does not succeed, and you are obliged to take your son away, then know that if you can be positive about it all, then he will recover and will find his feet again. It may, after, all, only be a temporary state of affairs.

I really do hope that it all works out.

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