Dear agony aunt: how can we tell our kids ‘times are hard’?

As a family, we’re struggling financially. My husband’s business isn’t doing as well as usual and our household income has fallen dramatically over the past year. How can I tell the children that things have to change so that we can still afford in the important things, like a really good education? Mims, Somerset

Keep calm, positive and upbeat, and your children will trust and follow you

Parenting is almost invariably always about treading a fine line – a tightrope, even - and financial matters are no exception to this rule. Part of helping our children to grow up is to prepare them for life by introducing them to the reality of the world; equally, they need us to protect them to some extent from harshness.

Firstly, and most importantly, never lie to your children. It’s only natural to want to shield young people from truths that even we find hard to stomach. The truth will come out at some stage, though.

This doesn’t mean that you should tell your children everything, or that you should expose them to all the details. Think carefully about their level of understanding of the world, and adjust your approach accordingly.

Money means surprisingly little to a young teenager, and nothing at all to a younger child. As for mortgages, taxes and bills ... you may only confuse or frighten them with the unknown if you try to explain these. Tell them things are difficult – but don’t share with them details that are beyond their understanding.

Try, then, to manage your feelings. We have a natural inclination to want to give our children the best, and to provide for them in every way possible. When we feel as if we aren’t doing this, it can be really hard, but we need to realise that the answer is in us and in our attitude.

No parent is perfect

Perfection is rarely attainable – and there is no such thing as the perfect parent. We can only work with what we have at any given time, and we shouldn’t beat ourselves constantly for failing to live up to some magical benchmark. You are doing a great job as a parent – the best you can, and this is all anyone would ever ask for.

How you react to the situation will affect how your children react. Children will understand that things are going to be different for a time, and they will look to you for their cue on how to react. Children are acutely susceptible to parental anxiety, and will often translate this into (an illogical) guilt which you may see in outbreaks of anger. Don’t be fooled into thinking that this is just selfishness, as they realise that they can’t have things they thought they could have before. It is often a real fear which you can help them with through your reaction.

Above all, be positive. A shared sense of purpose can bring you together. This is an opportunity to show children the value of money, of saving and of the value of delayed gratification – how something is so much more delicious when we have to wait for it. As with all aspects of parenting, this won’t necessarily happen in a straightforward way, so expect some resistance en route, but ultimately you will reap the rewards. Keep calm, positive and upbeat, and your children will trust and follow you.

Why not go even further? Reducing, reusing and recycling: adopting a more modest approach to our possessions can give us the opportunity as a family to do more together, and this can open up wonderful avenues.

Childhood pleasures

Revisit some of your own childhood pleasures – the fun of camping in the garden rather than costly day trips out; or the creativity of craft modelling on the kitchen table rather than playing with expensive toys which soon exhaust their usefulness. Be inventive and think laterally about how to use time and possessions, and this will all start to make things easier for you.

Whatever the strictures you are facing at the moment, if you make a determined effort to look on the bright side and act accordingly, this may all turn out to be a blessing in disguise for you and for your children.

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